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Monday, March 22, 2010

Farting and straight faces -Fart him to death

They say that farting without an iota of shame in front of others is a sign that u are comfortable in their presence. If that is what it really means please don’t be comfortable in my presence because I can’t be comfortable in your presence.

My father God bless him was one to enjoy a good fart and laugh at himself. I guess he was comfortable not only in front of us his kids but in the presence of others much to our chagrin.
My mother on the other hand is quite prim and I don’t recall her farting with reckless abandon .Never.

Don’t get me wrong either I am one to enjoy a got fart … I mean I let it rip when I let go I let go. But being the “classy lady” that I am it has to be strictly in the company of me, myself and I. Comprendi (understand) I repeat in the presence of only me myself and I .

I crack jokes all the time about people farting and the effect it had and all that. And I never act like a person who doesn’t fart. I mean people that come across as non-farters are often classified as uptight, superficial, pretentious, fake bla bla bla….(The list is endless).

However once in a while there are mishaps. For instance you are laughing and it slips out, not much can do or you think u have it under control and it decides to pop/burst out not much u can do there either.

The dignified approach in these situations according to “Debretts On Etiquette” (see how posh I am I know Debretts) is to apologise and asked to be excused.

But my quandary now is my manager who sits nearby in our open plan office appears to be on a mission, I personally think he wants to fart me to death or something close to that because since morning, all he has done is fart, fart and fart.But alas it is the silent scud missiles that are on offer today and I am certain it is him.
Unfortunately Debretts did not offer any advice on how to handle these situations and I am therefore at a loss as to how to tackle this.

Worse still is that every time he lets go, he starts making those make believe calls.
Conference pears give me gas that escapes from the rear orifice I therefore stay away from them. Beans have they same effect but with the added advantage of skunk fragrance. Are you thinking what I am thinking please say yes? Lunch hour is nigh and I am having conference pears to perk up my energy levels.
Tonight it shall beans spiced with garlic and then tomorrow may the best man win……

19 comments:

Mamuje said...

Thanks for visiting my blog...and I could see you are a nutter like myself :-) Loving your blog, lets not go into farting topics....I have some hilarious stories to share as well..we no go leave here today if i start.

How come you know Hajia, have we met? Abeg hit me on askme@mamuje.com
Cheers

Nogo Blogs said...

Lol wow!

Get a mini fan for your office to blow the smell away from your nose. I feel for you man cuz that's not on. Me I am one who will tell you I never fart, but I will laugh if one of my bestie guy friends do it. Don't hate me lol

Take Care xx

Myne Whitman said...

You had me laughing at the end, I was wondering what conference pears had to do with it. May the best man win indeed. I just hope there are no collateral damage, lol.

misspumping said...

@ mamuje as for calling me a nutter you are on the right track.

misspumping said...

@ nogo getting a fan seems a good idea but i must teach him a lesson first otherwise i will not be happy. this is not to say that i dont have a forgiving heart i do but i have to retaliate.it is even too late i already had the beans i promised him

misspumping said...

@myne God bless you .

we are at the "on your mark level"
next is "get set" when we get to "GO" U will be informed of what happened in good time.

Jinta said...

may the best scud missile projector win...have you thought of adding pizza to dinner?

AlooFar said...

oh myyyy!

this is hilarious.

Naijalines said...

May the best man win indeed. Like your strategy. If you manage to bomb him out - he may never squeak again.

misspumping said...

@jinta real scud missile projector and if u have seen my post on dry banging, you will know that my derriere will not miss a target

misspumping said...

@ naijalines,the aim is not kill him only to maim him hahaha thanks for stopping by.

misspumping said...

@aloofar thanks guess what oga no even come office today e dey fear

Anonymous said...

Are you being serious or just joking if you can find time i shall give u a recipe that will not only finish him but finish you too.
u are very witty

T.Notes said...

Lol!!!!Meeen, that's not cool at all o!!!!May the best man win;)

T.Notes said...

Oh, n thanx4 dropping by!Peace!

Anyaposh said...

dang speaking of farts, I had the deadly combo of a cabbage and chilli 2 days ago & I'm still paying for it. I've been farting the loudest farts ever!!! I was in the library & I think I may have let it go 3 times thinking it'll be those silent ones, but they were LOUD FARTIES! yeck! hehehe

Afrobabe said...

Hahahahhahahahahhahah

May the best person win...

I almost exploded once at my boyfie's place cos I didnt want to fart all weekend!!

ShonaVixen said...

LOL!!! As this is much later...who won??LOL!!!

sosexy said...

Nice post.I like..If he farts next time, Please do same, Lol