Monday, March 22, 2010

Farting and straight faces -Fart him to death

They say that farting without an iota of shame in front of others is a sign that u are comfortable in their presence. If that is what it really means please don’t be comfortable in my presence because I can’t be comfortable in your presence.

My father God bless him was one to enjoy a good fart and laugh at himself. I guess he was comfortable not only in front of us his kids but in the presence of others much to our chagrin.
My mother on the other hand is quite prim and I don’t recall her farting with reckless abandon .Never.

Don’t get me wrong either I am one to enjoy a got fart … I mean I let it rip when I let go I let go. But being the “classy lady” that I am it has to be strictly in the company of me, myself and I. Comprendi (understand) I repeat in the presence of only me myself and I .

I crack jokes all the time about people farting and the effect it had and all that. And I never act like a person who doesn’t fart. I mean people that come across as non-farters are often classified as uptight, superficial, pretentious, fake bla bla bla….(The list is endless).

However once in a while there are mishaps. For instance you are laughing and it slips out, not much can do or you think u have it under control and it decides to pop/burst out not much u can do there either.

The dignified approach in these situations according to “Debretts On Etiquette” (see how posh I am I know Debretts) is to apologise and asked to be excused.

But my quandary now is my manager who sits nearby in our open plan office appears to be on a mission, I personally think he wants to fart me to death or something close to that because since morning, all he has done is fart, fart and fart.But alas it is the silent scud missiles that are on offer today and I am certain it is him.
Unfortunately Debretts did not offer any advice on how to handle these situations and I am therefore at a loss as to how to tackle this.

Worse still is that every time he lets go, he starts making those make believe calls.
Conference pears give me gas that escapes from the rear orifice I therefore stay away from them. Beans have they same effect but with the added advantage of skunk fragrance. Are you thinking what I am thinking please say yes? Lunch hour is nigh and I am having conference pears to perk up my energy levels.
Tonight it shall beans spiced with garlic and then tomorrow may the best man win……

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


Even to the meals he had for school lunch, I rememeber every single detail. Salads ; talk about Posh Nosh. he was the cutest boy in my world.

He was the headboy, he could play the recorder excellently,he was on the shool relay team. he was in kingfisher house. he had the best handwriting in class (at least that was what the teacher said all the time) . He came 1st position For two consecutive terms ,yes i rememeber .He had a nice smile as a result of having the best teeth in the world and at christmas time he was part of the christmas concert performance. He used to pull his socks up to his knees how very dapper fashion icon hahahaha OH Jibola!. I CAN EVEN REMEMBER HIS SPIDERMAN LUNCHBOX.

Yesterday I saw him again at Brent Cross shopping Centre my fav hangout after work these days .And after twenty odd years and I was instantly transported to Corona primary school .Boy did I crush all over again .

He has turned out better than I could have imagined , gorgeous as ever (married ofcourse).
And guess what peeps he recognised me called me by my full names i.e firstname and last name.
The trip is because i have changed quite a bit but he recognised me . I melted could not even behave myself I was grinning like a goat (whatever this means)thank heavens I have blossomed into a rose and was looking fly.

Pointless gist but I just thought I should share and in case he sees this there I said it. I got it off my chest at last omo u too sexy i dey loose control oooo